The moments are frail.

The moments from where we stood to where we lie.
As each passes I know it can be the last. It chokes me. It chokes me the familiar choke that I have known for far too long. The choke that has taught me to relish, to linger. The choke that has cursed me and put defeat into each victory.

But I relish. I linger. I stay awake and watch. I want to love for as long as I can squeeze it in. I don't want to leave but I know I'll have to. And by the time I have left everything will have changed. I can not turn back to this, for these moments pass and never return. It chokes me. It chokes me so hard.

They are so frail. If I pull too hard they will tear.

So I try to caress them.
I run my finger down the silky threads of this moment of you and me, and the next. Trying to memorize each sensation, each feel each taste each breath and beat, but the more I try the more it refuses to fossilize. It is only in the most intimate spontaneous seconds that anything is set in memory. Memory objects control.

I can only try to be all there in the frail moments. I can persist but they will perish nonetheless. And my state of bliss becomes a state of mourning its imminent end.
You breathe in I breathe out You breathe out I breathe in
But each breath, inasmuch as it connects our beings, passes
Each breath is a moment
Each beat of your heart is a moment
But passes
It all
Passes

I can not hold on to it no matter how hard I try
It chokes me
If I reach out too desperately it tears
I know you will dissolve so I try to look harder
Listen closer
Breathe slower
Smell clearer
Taste longer

But the moments are frail

But they are our moments
and will always be ours
even if the memory of them will fade
they will have been ours

I relish but am defeated.

To you,
..kH

The above picture I snatched off another blogsite, because I knew this kitten was definitely waving to my mum for her neverending kindness to his/her feline brothers and sisters.
He/she says "Meouw" to Blíða and Bjartur too!

As the screaming reminded Hansi where he was working, he sat down and reflected.
He reflected on how happy he was to not be consumed with mental pain and anguish, to not be lost where a person never should be lost, within him or herself. The world of the self is a person's domain, a person's haven if ever there is one. If one is chained within the world of the self, tormented by fear or pain, there, at least, is no external haven to which one can run. There is no fleeing inner torment. Only dealing with it.

...
The screaming came from elsewhere.
Not from here.
It was terrible nonetheless.
I can still make it out actually.

The horror of mental pain.
The horror of a person's inner hell.
The horror of the inner which calls for disarray to the outer.
And the disarray caused by an inner manifests to be dealt with by outsiders.
I can still make it out.

...
Hansi felt truly bad, not only for the person screaming, but for the people doing their best at dealing with the screamer's despair. He did not miss these occurrences in the slightest, and hearing the screams rattled him both because the mere sound of them was truly awful, but also because it reminded him of the days where he acted as one of the hopeful outsiders, trying his best, as everyone did, to calm a despairing person in their acute suffering.
Here he sat, in the calmness of his current workplace, within which an occurrence of the kind could well be expected, but where nights seemed always to pass quietly. It made him feel safe. And at the same time he could rejoice over the fact that those sleeping under his care might not be suffering as much as some others, this very night, in this very building.

...
I try to let my mind wander toward the happy things that I have been experiencing.
I have been so lucky.
Here I have been at home for about twenty days. But it feels much longer.
Which is great, for it means I have managed to make the most of my time.
My time here, and I have a lot of time left, has passed slowly.
Every moment has been relished.

I have spent wonderful moments with wonderful people who have given me wonderful things.
Not in the material as much as in the physical and spiritual.
I have spent wonderful moments with my family, that I miss for such a big part of the year.
I have spent wonderful moments with my friends, that I miss for that same part of the year.

I can still make out the screams.
Happy thoughts..

Yesternight I celebrated with a large group of people.
We celebrated our existence.
A friend made me so proud.
A lover surprised me.
I am still surprised.
But it is a happy surprise.

Happy thoughts..
I can't make out the screams now.

...
Hansi was calm again.
And happy.

The night got darker,
..kH